Entries in Revenge (2)

Thursday
Mar122015

The 10 Most Addictive, Un-Redeeming Series On TV

 

 

"Watch my show!" OK, I will. (Photo Credit: Bravo)

BY JENNA MACRI (REVIEWniverse Guest Contributor)

In public, I pretend I’m not that person who is helplessly addicted to trashy television. “Ugh, you watch that show?” I’ll sneer at friends, “God, I lose brain cells whenever I pass by it on TV!”

Little do they know, my pompous ass is firmly planted on the couch at 10 p.m. sharp, Monday thru Friday, remote in one hand and a pint (of ice cream, of course) in the other. And so the ritual begins: the indulging in trashy television, some programs so dimwitted I can actually feel my IQ dropping.

Keep in mind, I am notoriously picky about my guilty pleasures. I provide you with a list of the Top-10 TV shows with no redeeming qualities that we’re all silently itching to tune in to:

1. REVENGE

As with Kate and Leonardo, Amanda and Jack are headed for doom. (Photo Credit: ABC) 

I didn’t choose to become addicted to Revenge. I more or less fell into it. In a desperate attempt to soothe the pains of returning to the single life (and to stop blowing her paycheck at the bars), my 26-year-old sister decided to take up binge-watching television as a second job. When I first caught a glimpse of Revenge, I outwardly judged her for tuning into the cheesy Hamptons drama; but inside, I knew we were headed toward a dangerous path.
Favorite Scene: When Nate realizes Amanda is trying to sink the sailboat because a light on the dashboard reading “HIGH WATER” begins to blink. As an avid boater, I promise you – that warning light doesn’t exist on any watercraft. And if it did, it wouldn’t wait until there was two feet of water in the cabin before it turned on.

2. RIDICULOUSNESS

Yep. Her T-shirt says it all. (Photo Credit: MTV) 


No, this show does not appear on the list due to its name. Okay. Maybe a little bit. But really, this show is a constructive way of watching an endless loop of YouTube videos (at least Netflix warns you periodically that you’re wasting precious moments of sleep that you’ll never get back). Rob Dyrdek tried sprucing up the show by bringing in special guests. It didn’t work.
Favorite Scene: Whenever they show Chanel West Coast’s face. Realizing that a beautiful woman can look so painfully dumb makes me feel better about myself.

3. DANCE MOMS

If nothing else, Miss Abby is always so sweet. (Photo Credit: Lifetime)

I woke up this morning aggravated that my mom was screaming at the top of her lungs while I was trying to squeeze another three minutes of sleep time in. And then I realized I fell asleep while watching Dance Moms. There is something pitifully enjoyable about Abby’s terrible acting skills. Also, it makes me grateful to realize that unlike myself, those little girls will never have to worry about how they made fools of themselves while drunk-dancing with that smelly frat guy last night.
Favorite Scene: When one of Abby’s sworn enemies paraded around the competition with a megaphone and screamed in people’s ears. I take great joy in the pain of my enemies – Abby is one of them.

4. KING OF THE NERDS

Our bad. Wrong cast. (Photo Credit: Cosmopolitan Magazine)

We all knew these people in high school. In fact, there is some dispute as to whether or not I was one of those people. This show convinces me that maybe I wasn’t as awkward as I felt. These nerds make me cringe. And come on, Nerdvana? Do nerds even listen to grunge?
Favorite Scene: Whenever that one super-adorable Asian woman (there’s one in every season; choose your favorite) gets really, really angry, and no one takes her seriously because she’s super kawaii.

5. BIG GIANT SWORDS

Here's a video, just to prove we didn't make this show up. 

I genuinely enjoy this program. I don’t understand bit of it, but I freakin’ love it. If a guy named Irish Mike can have a best friend named Amerimike and they can spend their days crafting obnoxiously large weaponry, America truly is a free country. I have a feeling this series’ days are numbered, but I’ll stick through until the end. Or until I fall asleep because damn is that show on late.
Favorite Scene: The first time they showed Irish Mike’s apathetic wife. That poor woman looks about ready to put one of those big giant swords to use.

6. HOT BENCH

As if one judge wasn't bad enough. (Photo Credit: Big Ticket Entertainment)

I credit my mother with getting me hooked on this one (good taste in trashy television is hereditary). The only thing more annoying than one judge listening to people’s bullshit cases is three judges listening to people’s bullshit cases! Like, come on, what the hell are the other two good for, anyway?
Favorite scene : Whenever Judge Tanya Acker goes off on Judge Larry Backman. I wonder how much they had to pay that guy to sit on a panel with two women.

7. ROBOT CHICKEN

Robot Chicken takes on some R-rated Disney princesses(Photo Credit: Cartoon Network) 

What’s this show about? Hell if I know, but I’ll watch that shit for hours. (OK, maybe this answers my self-concerns brought up in the King of the Nerds section.) Robot Chicken spoofs everything pop-culture. I sometimes find that after watching Robot Chicken I start seeing reality in claymation and speak in funny accents. I like it.
Favorite Scene: If I comprehended even the tiniest bit if it, I would tell you. But I don’t. Still love it unconditionally, though!

8. MY STRANGE ADDICTION

Oh, oookay? (Photo Credit: TLC)

This show is the obsession of all obsessions. Woman addicted to eating mattress stuffing? Check. Guy caught sticking his member in his car’s tailpipe? Check. Teenager who is in a romantic relationship with seven blow-up pool toys? Check. How scandalous!
Favorite Scene: When tailpipe fetish guy admitted to his father that he’s deeply in love with his car, Chase. I keep watching the episode over and over again, because I swear I can hear the father’s brain combust in the background!

9. MY 600-LB LIFE

Giuiiana Rancic will be starring in her own series: My 6-Pound Life. (Photo Credt: E!)

Aside from the fact that this series capitalizes on morbidly fat people, I genuinely enjoy each person’s journey to recovery. Keep in mind that I’m usually indulging in the before-mentioned pint of ice cream (Ben & Jerry’s Half Baked, if you have to know) while tuning in, so I usually end up crying halfway through the pint. But that doesn’t stop me from finishing it.
Favorite Scene: When you find out whether or not the former particpants have stuck to their weight management plan. Some of them have a terrible attitude, and I secretly want them to be featured on the impending special My Giuliana Rancic Life!

10. The Real Housewives of New Jersey

Yes, Teresa, your show has a taken a toll on all of us. (Photo Credit: Bravo) 

This series sits at the bottom of the list because that’s where it belongs. Teresa, I hope all the inmates pluck your hair out when you go to prison. Caroline, I just want to pinch your little cheeks until shut the hell up. Dina, there is something jacked up about your face and I can’t quite put my finger on it, but it’s not just the facelift. I just love all you snobby, catty, Botox-shot-up whores to death.

Favorite Scene: Whenever E! organizes a Real Housewives reunion. Let those fists fly, ladies! 

 

If your favorite mind-numbing shows are missing (Mob Wives, anyone?), please share in the comments section below.

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Thursday
Oct062011

'Revenge' is ABC's Juicy-Good Hit of the Season

TV REVIEW: ABC’s Revenge is everyone’s fantasy, and a lot of folks’ favorite new TV show.

 

 

By Robbie Woliver

 

Since Revenge is best served cold, every scene on this hit ABC show has an ice sculpture. (Credit: ABC)

 

THE PREMISE: Very loosely based on Alexander Dumas’ classic The Count of Monte Cristo, Revenge has become a hit out of the box. Emily Van Camp’s Amanda Clarke returns to the tony Hamptons (she grew up there 17 years prior) as Emily Thorne (get it, the thorn in their side) to exact revenge on a long list of double-crossing SOBs who framed her father, David Clarke (James Tupper), for terrorism, a charge for which he was arrested and imprisoned, where he eventually died.  At age 18, she was released from “the system” and inherited her father’s wealth, which allows her to, well, do just about anything she wants in her quest for vengeance. 

THE CHATTER: Revenge is the Adele of the new TV season; everyone, no matter what their demographic, seems to love it. And why not? It’s wicked fun and who doesn’t savor revenge?

THE REALITY: Revenge has provided a perfect formula: young, pretty girl gets revenge—weekly!—on a series of no good bums. Rich no-good bums. While thousands are demonstrating against the excesses of Wall Street in the ever-growing Occupy Wall Street protests, Emily takes on these heartless moneymen/women with a delicious glee.  The first week’s revenge was thoroughly satisfying; the second, against a hedge fun exec, made Emily more transparent as the perpetrator (which she was delightfully not for the first revenge) and no one wants their heroine found out; but in the third episode she was invisible once again, thanks to her super-hacker friend Nolan. The goal, of course, is to bring down the family that destroyed her—the impossibly rich Graysons. The series began in real-time with the murder of Emily’s fiancé, Daniel Grayson (Josh Bowman) and now each week we see how we got there. 

THE PLAYERS: Emily VanCamp, who you might know from Everwood and Brothers & Sisters, is simply stunning in this role. Her acting chops are superb. I caught myself marveling at how natural this terrific reactive actress was in one scene where she was just standing, observing. Being beautiful certainly helps, and when you add a bad girl attitude to her elegant young-money persona, you have a winner of a leading character. The villain is Madeline Stowe who plays the disgustingly wealthy matriarch Victoria Grayson. Another beauty, Stowe icily puts away her enemies with ease—and Emily is certainly in her sights. But wait, do we find a soft spot beating in this wicked heart? Episode 3 hinted at the possibility that Victoria might not be such a baddie after all—she was romantically involved with Emily’s dad, and tried to prevent the prosecution. But she didn’t, did she? Along the lines of Alexis Carrington, but thankfully not as over-the-top, Madeline Stowe steals her scenes with her steely stare. And the dynamic is really about these two women. Nolan Ross’ Gabriel Mann adds an intriguing quirkiness to his characters’ mix, as he helps Emily with her plan, even though Emily barely gives him the time of day. With an apparent deadened heart, she trusts no one—not even this young man who owes his immeasurable wealth to her father who he idolized. 

THE POTENTIAL: Revenge has already met its potential. It has us all hooked. We anxiously wait for this polished gem to serve up another cold dish of revenge—how she gets there is a road worth travelling, and the side stories like reuniting with her childhood love is also well worth the time. And don’t forget—someone was murdered.

 

CLASSIC/FUN DIVERSION/TOTAL LOSS: CLASSIC and FUN DIVERSION

BETTER THAN/EQUAL TO/NOT AS GOOD AS: Revenge is BETTER THAN Ringer; EQUAL TO: The Simpsons “Revenge is A Dish Best Served Three Times; NOT AS GOOD AS: The Count of Monte Cristo

 

IN OTHER WORDS: A slick, juicy, well-acted blueprint for The List I have of my own.

 

REVENGE RATING: 9.4/10

CMJ MUST BE MUSIC SUPERVISOR RATING: 9/10

VENGEANCE: BEST THING EVER RATING: ubersatisfying/10

OCCUPY WALL STREET RATING: 1776/2011

 

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