Entries in Nerds (1)

Thursday
Mar122015

The 10 Most Addictive, Un-Redeeming Series On TV

 

 

"Watch my show!" OK, I will. (Photo Credit: Bravo)

BY JENNA MACRI (REVIEWniverse Guest Contributor)

In public, I pretend I’m not that person who is helplessly addicted to trashy television. “Ugh, you watch that show?” I’ll sneer at friends, “God, I lose brain cells whenever I pass by it on TV!”

Little do they know, my pompous ass is firmly planted on the couch at 10 p.m. sharp, Monday thru Friday, remote in one hand and a pint (of ice cream, of course) in the other. And so the ritual begins: the indulging in trashy television, some programs so dimwitted I can actually feel my IQ dropping.

Keep in mind, I am notoriously picky about my guilty pleasures. I provide you with a list of the Top-10 TV shows with no redeeming qualities that we’re all silently itching to tune in to:

1. REVENGE

As with Kate and Leonardo, Amanda and Jack are headed for doom. (Photo Credit: ABC) 

I didn’t choose to become addicted to Revenge. I more or less fell into it. In a desperate attempt to soothe the pains of returning to the single life (and to stop blowing her paycheck at the bars), my 26-year-old sister decided to take up binge-watching television as a second job. When I first caught a glimpse of Revenge, I outwardly judged her for tuning into the cheesy Hamptons drama; but inside, I knew we were headed toward a dangerous path.
Favorite Scene: When Nate realizes Amanda is trying to sink the sailboat because a light on the dashboard reading “HIGH WATER” begins to blink. As an avid boater, I promise you – that warning light doesn’t exist on any watercraft. And if it did, it wouldn’t wait until there was two feet of water in the cabin before it turned on.

2. RIDICULOUSNESS

Yep. Her T-shirt says it all. (Photo Credit: MTV) 


No, this show does not appear on the list due to its name. Okay. Maybe a little bit. But really, this show is a constructive way of watching an endless loop of YouTube videos (at least Netflix warns you periodically that you’re wasting precious moments of sleep that you’ll never get back). Rob Dyrdek tried sprucing up the show by bringing in special guests. It didn’t work.
Favorite Scene: Whenever they show Chanel West Coast’s face. Realizing that a beautiful woman can look so painfully dumb makes me feel better about myself.

3. DANCE MOMS

If nothing else, Miss Abby is always so sweet. (Photo Credit: Lifetime)

I woke up this morning aggravated that my mom was screaming at the top of her lungs while I was trying to squeeze another three minutes of sleep time in. And then I realized I fell asleep while watching Dance Moms. There is something pitifully enjoyable about Abby’s terrible acting skills. Also, it makes me grateful to realize that unlike myself, those little girls will never have to worry about how they made fools of themselves while drunk-dancing with that smelly frat guy last night.
Favorite Scene: When one of Abby’s sworn enemies paraded around the competition with a megaphone and screamed in people’s ears. I take great joy in the pain of my enemies – Abby is one of them.

4. KING OF THE NERDS

Our bad. Wrong cast. (Photo Credit: Cosmopolitan Magazine)

We all knew these people in high school. In fact, there is some dispute as to whether or not I was one of those people. This show convinces me that maybe I wasn’t as awkward as I felt. These nerds make me cringe. And come on, Nerdvana? Do nerds even listen to grunge?
Favorite Scene: Whenever that one super-adorable Asian woman (there’s one in every season; choose your favorite) gets really, really angry, and no one takes her seriously because she’s super kawaii.

5. BIG GIANT SWORDS

Here's a video, just to prove we didn't make this show up. 

I genuinely enjoy this program. I don’t understand bit of it, but I freakin’ love it. If a guy named Irish Mike can have a best friend named Amerimike and they can spend their days crafting obnoxiously large weaponry, America truly is a free country. I have a feeling this series’ days are numbered, but I’ll stick through until the end. Or until I fall asleep because damn is that show on late.
Favorite Scene: The first time they showed Irish Mike’s apathetic wife. That poor woman looks about ready to put one of those big giant swords to use.

6. HOT BENCH

As if one judge wasn't bad enough. (Photo Credit: Big Ticket Entertainment)

I credit my mother with getting me hooked on this one (good taste in trashy television is hereditary). The only thing more annoying than one judge listening to people’s bullshit cases is three judges listening to people’s bullshit cases! Like, come on, what the hell are the other two good for, anyway?
Favorite scene : Whenever Judge Tanya Acker goes off on Judge Larry Backman. I wonder how much they had to pay that guy to sit on a panel with two women.

7. ROBOT CHICKEN

Robot Chicken takes on some R-rated Disney princesses(Photo Credit: Cartoon Network) 

What’s this show about? Hell if I know, but I’ll watch that shit for hours. (OK, maybe this answers my self-concerns brought up in the King of the Nerds section.) Robot Chicken spoofs everything pop-culture. I sometimes find that after watching Robot Chicken I start seeing reality in claymation and speak in funny accents. I like it.
Favorite Scene: If I comprehended even the tiniest bit if it, I would tell you. But I don’t. Still love it unconditionally, though!

8. MY STRANGE ADDICTION

Oh, oookay? (Photo Credit: TLC)

This show is the obsession of all obsessions. Woman addicted to eating mattress stuffing? Check. Guy caught sticking his member in his car’s tailpipe? Check. Teenager who is in a romantic relationship with seven blow-up pool toys? Check. How scandalous!
Favorite Scene: When tailpipe fetish guy admitted to his father that he’s deeply in love with his car, Chase. I keep watching the episode over and over again, because I swear I can hear the father’s brain combust in the background!

9. MY 600-LB LIFE

Giuiiana Rancic will be starring in her own series: My 6-Pound Life. (Photo Credt: E!)

Aside from the fact that this series capitalizes on morbidly fat people, I genuinely enjoy each person’s journey to recovery. Keep in mind that I’m usually indulging in the before-mentioned pint of ice cream (Ben & Jerry’s Half Baked, if you have to know) while tuning in, so I usually end up crying halfway through the pint. But that doesn’t stop me from finishing it.
Favorite Scene: When you find out whether or not the former particpants have stuck to their weight management plan. Some of them have a terrible attitude, and I secretly want them to be featured on the impending special My Giuliana Rancic Life!

10. The Real Housewives of New Jersey

Yes, Teresa, your show has a taken a toll on all of us. (Photo Credit: Bravo) 

This series sits at the bottom of the list because that’s where it belongs. Teresa, I hope all the inmates pluck your hair out when you go to prison. Caroline, I just want to pinch your little cheeks until shut the hell up. Dina, there is something jacked up about your face and I can’t quite put my finger on it, but it’s not just the facelift. I just love all you snobby, catty, Botox-shot-up whores to death.

Favorite Scene: Whenever E! organizes a Real Housewives reunion. Let those fists fly, ladies! 

 

If your favorite mind-numbing shows are missing (Mob Wives, anyone?), please share in the comments section below.

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