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Friday
Feb272015

New Series 'Sex Box' Will Leave You 50 Shades of Speechless

 

 

This is Elle and Brandon pre- and post-coitally humiliating themselves on national TV. Oh, and there's the Sex Box. (Credit: WeTV)

BY ROBBIE WOLIVER

WeTV's new reality series Sex Box, based on the British show, Sex Box, thinks it's title, Sex Box, is so titillating that Sex Box will be on everyone's DVR and Sex Box will be on everyone's mind. Has it sunk in yet? Sex Box. Sex Box. Sex Box.

OK, with that out of the way, here's the outrageous concept: Couples in marital or relationship peril take to three "experts"--wait, we'll get to that fun part soon enough--to discuss the intimate details of their sex life, and then they enter a sound-proof, opaque box where they have sex, in front of a cheering studio audience. They are given pajamas that have the logo "Sex Box" on them, and they look so silly that nothing they talk about, no matter how deep, can be taken seriously. The guys look especially ridiculous in their blue silk pajamas, with their hangdog looks (hangdog, of course, because they were just beaten up by the experts only minutes prior; because they just had sex in a box; and becasue they are wearing stupid pajamas).

So, let's meet the experts. Dr. Fran Walfish (best name on TV) is a "relationship psychotherapist to the stars, published author and keeper of Hollywood's bedroom secrets." Dr. Chris Donaghue is a clinical psychologist, "cutting-edge sex therapist and controversial voice in the study of relationships in the 21st century." (That's almost as funny as the men's pajamas.) Well, here's the most imortant thing about him: We see him doing pull-ups, so we know he's buff, he's tattooted and he wears lavendar shoes. He's the "cool" one on the panel. Yvonne Capeheart is a "renowned pastor and spiritual advisor to couples in serious crises." She winced at least twice, admonishing two guests about their cursing. This is fucking Sex Box, Sister Yvonne. 

Oh, we are also reminded that all three are "at the top of their field," so I imagine 30 years of practice each, publication in many revered medical journals and degrees from Harvard are also in their background.

With the tease that this is "the most transformative therapy ever captured on TV," we are introduced to the first guests: a musician couple, Elle and Brandon. Brandon's kind of a hipster with an attitude. He doesn't please Elle; she doesn't orgasm, but he does. So now we know too much about them, but it's not enough for our top-of-the-field panel. They want blood. And they rip into poor Brandon who looks like a deer in the headlights. (He looks even worse after the Sex Box romp.) 

Brandon suddenly realizes that he is on television, on a sex therapy show, after he is asked to describe what their lovemaking consists of. "Really? I'm doing this?" could not have been written more clearly on his pathetic face, and he tells a panelist that their intimate question to him was an "awkward time to bring it up." Hello, that's why you're on the show, Brandon. There was no way you couldn't have sympathy for poor Brandon, even if he doesn't please his wife, because suddenly he was being bullied by the panel of experts. His highlight was calling Dr. Chris a "suspect individual" and his lowlight was entering the box and emerging 17 minutes later to discuss what just happened. Oh, and they had to rate each other's sexual performance. Another deer-in-the-headlight moment for Brandon, who was looking more and more defeated by the minute.

Sex Box is the TV equivelant of the film 50 Shades of Grey. There's no sex. Well there is sex hidden away, but this is the least sexy show on TV. Some unlikely sounding reality relationship shows like Married At First Sight are actually pretty good, as explained in this fine, afore-linked Vulture.com story by REVIEWniverse co-editor Kenny Herzog. But most are disasters, and Sex Box is probably the worst. 

Just to sum up the other two couples: One husband, Dyson, apparently obsessed with Sister Wives, wanted he and his gigantically fake-breasted wife, Rebecca, to turn into a thurple (he wanted to bring in another woman into their relationship) after being together 17 years. They like extremely kinky stuff, but the thurple might interfere with raising their children, Rebecca thinks. They coupling took 26 minutes and 41 seconds. Here's their exit interview:

Alexandria and Christoper, a young married couple of two years, were nervous as they walked on stage. Turns out that they used to be kinky, but after the birth of their child, they don't really have sex any more. Their idea of not having sex anymore is once a week, by the way. The problem is Alexandria feels like a mom now and doesn't want to have sex, but she got all nostalgic and informed the audience and the panel that Christopher, fortunately, "knows the slut I can be."  Her kid will be proud when he watches this, and their truncated 31 minutes and 49 seconds reigniting their pre-baby sex life.

So, you get the idea here, right? It's not as much fun as VH-1's Dating Naked, but it's more fun than the sex you're not having.

And it's certainly not worth your DVR space. You want sex, watch Banshee.

ASIDES:

  • Looks like next week there's a lesbian couple that the preacher lady doesn't take a hankerin' to.
  • Elle: "Our sex life now goes up and down."
  • Fortunately Dr. Walfish only said, "In my Beverly Hills practice..." once.  
  • Elle's Sex Box request: "I want to be on top."
  • Bully Dr. Chris to Bashful Brandon: "You weren't that likable [at first]." 
  • Preacher Capeheart: To Brandon and Elle after their 20-minute segment..."I've never seen emotional growth that fast."
  • What do they really do in that room? Make fun of the judges? Watch The Voice? Play "Crimes Against Humanity"?
  • Rebecca: "We've had a threesome, foursome and more-some."
  • Is the interior of the sex box Jim's Storage Facility or Christian Grey's Red Room of Pain?
  • Dyson quoted an X-rated Chris Rock routine that made the preacher blush...and then admonish him. Noone wants a schoolmarm on a sex therapy show.
  • Rebecca did not lose her foot-long fake eyelashes after almost 27 minutes of sex.
  • Post-coital Dyson: "I'm ready for a nap." The panel: "You can't handle one why do you want two?"
  • Do they sanitze the sex room between guests???
  • Walfish!!

 

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