Entries in Rumor (2)

Wednesday
Jan042012

Who Cares About Mitt and Iowa? Justin and Jessica are (Reportedly) Engaged!

REVIEWING THE "DAAAAAMN, THAT'S GONNA BE ONE GOOD-LOOING BABY!" ENGAGEMENT NEWS: Justin Timberlake reportedly popped the question to long-time lover Jessica Biel, and this is one impending celeb nuptial that has us in seventh heaven.

By Crispin Reynolds

Somebody call hot police, cause these two are four-alarm hotties!

 

While all of America spent yesterday evening worrying about some Hanukkah grinch named Mitt and his silly caucus, US Weekly was preparing a bombshell story that put everything into focus. The tabloid alleges that Justin Timberlake popped the question of questions to his stunning piece of brunette babe-candy, Jessica Biel, way back in December whilst the pair was on holiday. 

Oh, deary me, oh my. Sad as myself and Jairem are that J-Timb is off the meat market, we're kvelling and are downright over the cherry moon for this sexy twosome of Manna from heaven. The only thing that could possibly sour our elation is if the news turns out to be false, and Us' "insider" sources get revealed as impostors. But until that moment arrives, we shall merely blush humbly in the wake of such marvelous undertakings.

 

IN OTHER WORDS: I haven't the faintest idea why I've suddenly channeled the spirit of a genteel southern dame.

JUSTIN AND JESSICA ENGAGEMENT RATING: Three Cheers!/10

THE POSSIBILITY OF IT BEING JUST A DASTARDLY RUMOR RATING: Heavens, No!/10

CAN JAIREM AND I ATTEND IF WE SAY WE'RE FROM THE MILITARY AND RECORD A YOUTUBE VIDEO ASKING TO BE INVITED? RATING: Oh, You're Too Kind/10

 

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Tuesday
Oct252011

Lindsay Lohan Nude 'Playboy' Blah Blah Hugh Hefner Blah Million Dollars Blah Blah

REVIEWING THE NEWS THAT LITERALLY ISN'T YET NEWS: A non-confirmed story via TMZ about Lindsay Lohan posing for Playboy gets the Internet in a tizzy; won't at all seem like waste of breath if rumor is false.

By Kenny Herzog

Well, if she really is following in Marilyn's footsteps....


Last night, TMZ "reported" "confirmation" that troubled star Lindsay Lohan had agreed to just under her allegedly desired one-million-dollar fee to pose for Hugh Hefner and Playboy. Well, not literally while Hefner watched. Or at least we assume. Furthermore, the story claims LiLo commenced disrobing for the magazine this past weekend, despite her hectic courtroom schedule.

Lohan's publicist denied it, TMZ didn't name a single source and no one has emerged since with more details. Alas, "Lindsay Lohan Posing Nude for Playboy" is, as of this article's publication, the clunkiest Twitter trending topic in recent memory, and there are thousands of newswire pieces from different media scrambling to siphon morsels of Web traffic through various thinly encoded search-engine triggers involving the 25-year-old actress and the words "nude" and "Playboy." 

We are essentially among them, although we'd like to think our headline sums up the actual "news" within this non-story a bit more transparently. We even promise not to update you when the gossip is confirmed or dismissed. If anything, we figured, "Hey, if they're gonna seek out information on Lindsay's Playboy escapades somewhere, it may as well be here, because the rest of our site is a lot more fun to read than most of the others."

 

IN OTHER WORDS: There is literally no news in this story. The larger rumor that is, not our point of view. Because that is awesome.

LINDSAY LOHAN PLAYBOY GOSSIP RATING: 4/10

LEGITIMATE MEDIA FOCUSING RESOURCES ON REPORTING UNSOURCED TMZ GOSSIP RATING: 3/10

REVIEWniverse's WAGER THAT THE GOSSIP IS UNTRUE RATING: 9/10

 

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