Entries in Movies (4)

Wednesday
Jan182012

Johnny Depp Blah Blah Vanessa Paradis Blah Blah Split Up Blah

REVIEWING THE NEWS: Multi-gazillionaire actor extraordinaire Depp and mildly interesting model/actress/singer/whatever reportedly no makey the love-y anymore. Blah. Wah.

 

By Crispin Reynolds

Blah blah blah blah, blah, blah blah blah. 

 

Sorry, REVIEWniverse readers, if it took me eons to post about the day's most scandalous celebrity-breakup news. I spent all morning drying my hair and wiping away crocodile tears after hearing that Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis have, according to People mag (and, also, just other people), been living separately and out of love for some time.

Boo-hoo, blah blah. Don't get me wrong, gals and cads, it's sad when any couple with two children can't reconcile their differences (ParaDepp have two tween- and elementary-aged little ones, Lily-Rose and Jack, though it's never been confirmed if their naming was some kind of coded inspiration for Daniel Day-Lewis' 2005 drama, The Ballad of Jack and Rose... you know these actor types). I'm sure they'll sort all that out with more aplomb than your average not-loaded, irreconciled parents. Otherwise, a big blah blah and who cares, outside of the fact that Hollywood's sauciest middle-age bad-boy is back on the market. I know a certain 40-something gossip columnist (me) who wouldn't mind searching for that Pirate's booty.

 

IN OTHER WORDS: Insert seductive, Eartha Kitt meow noise. Also, blah.

BLAH RATING: Blah/10

SINGLE WATERS RUN DEPP RATING: See "In Other Words"/10

 

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Wednesday
Jan042012

Who Cares About Mitt and Iowa? Justin and Jessica are (Reportedly) Engaged!

REVIEWING THE "DAAAAAMN, THAT'S GONNA BE ONE GOOD-LOOING BABY!" ENGAGEMENT NEWS: Justin Timberlake reportedly popped the question to long-time lover Jessica Biel, and this is one impending celeb nuptial that has us in seventh heaven.

By Crispin Reynolds

Somebody call hot police, cause these two are four-alarm hotties!

 

While all of America spent yesterday evening worrying about some Hanukkah grinch named Mitt and his silly caucus, US Weekly was preparing a bombshell story that put everything into focus. The tabloid alleges that Justin Timberlake popped the question of questions to his stunning piece of brunette babe-candy, Jessica Biel, way back in December whilst the pair was on holiday. 

Oh, deary me, oh my. Sad as myself and Jairem are that J-Timb is off the meat market, we're kvelling and are downright over the cherry moon for this sexy twosome of Manna from heaven. The only thing that could possibly sour our elation is if the news turns out to be false, and Us' "insider" sources get revealed as impostors. But until that moment arrives, we shall merely blush humbly in the wake of such marvelous undertakings.

 

IN OTHER WORDS: I haven't the faintest idea why I've suddenly channeled the spirit of a genteel southern dame.

JUSTIN AND JESSICA ENGAGEMENT RATING: Three Cheers!/10

THE POSSIBILITY OF IT BEING JUST A DASTARDLY RUMOR RATING: Heavens, No!/10

CAN JAIREM AND I ATTEND IF WE SAY WE'RE FROM THE MILITARY AND RECORD A YOUTUBE VIDEO ASKING TO BE INVITED? RATING: Oh, You're Too Kind/10

 

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Monday
Jan022012

Here's Why Katy Perry and Russell Brand Split Up

REVIEWING THE NEW YEAR'S FIRST NO-BRAINER CELEBRITY DIVORCE NEWS: We've got the real reason behind the pop singer and comedic actor's rapid separation.

By Kenny Herzog

Katy Perry: We think she'll bounce back. Get it? Cause she has huge boobs. 

 

Katy Perry and Russell Brand have shocked and awed the world with the announcement of their divorce, which is in process as we speak. And on an especially slow post-New Year's news day, it's been all the global media can talk about. Hell, the Today show even dedicated a bizarrely somber and extensive package to the stars and their failed marriage, lamenting its spiral from "fairy tale" to "Hollywood casualty." Yes, it is truly the Black Dahlia of inter-medium celebrity splits. 

But only REVIEWniverse has the true scoop. Rumor has it that Perry and Brand met-cute, found each other nice and attractive enough, and figured marriage would commonly ground their mutually demanding careers and act as a postitive bonding agent between she, the fallen evangelical Christian, and him, the constantly reforming bad boy. But eventually, the pair's differences became irreconcilable, and even their practical and earnest commitment wasn't enough to overcome their lack of lasting chemistry or time and willingness to make marriage itself their most important responsibility, allowing everything else to fall into place.

Scandal!

 

IN OTHER WORDS: Who cares? (Us!)

KATY AND RUSSELL DIVORCE-PREDICTABILITY RATING: 15 Months/10

AT LEAST IT LASTED LONGER THAN 15 DAYS RATING: Sinead O'Connor/10

MARRIAGE CAN BE BORING. PEOPLE DON'T BECOME FAMOUS TO BE BORING RATING: It Ain't Always About "Me" Babe/10

 


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Wednesday
Oct192011

Whitney Houston is Crazy.... For Movies Again, Starring in 'Sparkle' Remake

  

MOVIE-CASTING NEWS: Back from touring and developing scented candles (seriously), the eccentric diva is headed back to the big screen for a remake of a cult classic.

By Kenny Herzog

Oh, to remember the days when Whitney really did sparkle.

 

Before there was Beyonce, Jennifer Hudson and Dream Girls, director Sam O'Steen and a young screenwriter named Joel Schumacher gave us the 1976 R&B musical-drama Sparkle. Soon-to-be Fame star Irene Cara originated the titular role of a prodigious young singer in 1950s Harlem trying to overcome family turmoil and become a star. Mary Alice played her mother, Effie, and the iconic soundtrack was provided by none other than Curtis Mayfield (music fans of a certain generation may recall En Vogue's hit cover of "Something He Can Feel"), with vocals from no less than Aretha Franklin. 

A quarter-century later, shooting has begun on the inevtiable remake, with one-time American Idol victor Jordin Sparks (winning Idol is like an ex-presidency: You must always introduce them by title) taking over for Cara. But the real news is that Whitney Houston has been added to the cast as Effie, and will also receive an executive producer credit in recognition of she and longtime partner Debra Martin Chase's efforts to produce Sparkle a decade ago with late superstar Aaliyah in the lead (though it seems she was nominally involved at best in the development of this specific incarnation). Hard as it is to believe, the movie's TBD 2012 release will be Ms. Houston's first appearance in a major theatrical film in 16 years, since she starred alongside Denzel Washington in 1996's The Preacher's Wife.

Of course, it's been a bumpy period for Whitney since then. Amid sporadic recording and touring, she's largely been in the spotlight for a tumultous split with ex-husband Bobby Brown, admitted drug use, hysterical TV interviews, erratic live performances and marketing a line of scented candles with her sister-in-law. Chances are, tales of sensational diva-dom will soon emerge from the set of Sparkle, which may turn out to be more entertaining than the film itself, which is in the questionable hands of various by-the-numbers rom-com architect. (Although R. Kelly is a fitting and promising choice to oversee the soundtrack.)

In a statement of slightly misleading vanity, Whitney shared that, "Sparkle is a movie I have wanted to remake for a long time and I am so glad to finally see my wish come true and to be part of this stellar team of actors and producers." 

 

IN OTHER WORDS: Let the shitshow begin.

NEWS OF SPARKLE REMAKE RATING: 6/10

NEWS OF WHITNEY IN SPARKLE REMAKE RATING: 6.5/10

THE ENTERTAINING TABLOID ANTICS TO COME FROM THE SET OF SPARKLE RATING: 9/10

 

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