Entries in Crispin Reynolds (2)

Wednesday
Jan182012

Johnny Depp Blah Blah Vanessa Paradis Blah Blah Split Up Blah

REVIEWING THE NEWS: Multi-gazillionaire actor extraordinaire Depp and mildly interesting model/actress/singer/whatever reportedly no makey the love-y anymore. Blah. Wah.

 

By Crispin Reynolds

Blah blah blah blah, blah, blah blah blah. 

 

Sorry, REVIEWniverse readers, if it took me eons to post about the day's most scandalous celebrity-breakup news. I spent all morning drying my hair and wiping away crocodile tears after hearing that Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis have, according to People mag (and, also, just other people), been living separately and out of love for some time.

Boo-hoo, blah blah. Don't get me wrong, gals and cads, it's sad when any couple with two children can't reconcile their differences (ParaDepp have two tween- and elementary-aged little ones, Lily-Rose and Jack, though it's never been confirmed if their naming was some kind of coded inspiration for Daniel Day-Lewis' 2005 drama, The Ballad of Jack and Rose... you know these actor types). I'm sure they'll sort all that out with more aplomb than your average not-loaded, irreconciled parents. Otherwise, a big blah blah and who cares, outside of the fact that Hollywood's sauciest middle-age bad-boy is back on the market. I know a certain 40-something gossip columnist (me) who wouldn't mind searching for that Pirate's booty.

 

IN OTHER WORDS: Insert seductive, Eartha Kitt meow noise. Also, blah.

BLAH RATING: Blah/10

SINGLE WATERS RUN DEPP RATING: See "In Other Words"/10

 

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Wednesday
Nov162011

Bradley Cooper Blah Blah 'People' Mag Blah Sexiest Man Blah Blah

REVIEWING THE NEWS THAT SOMEONE WE KNOW FROM MOVIES IS A SIZZLING SLICE OF MAN: Our newly recruited ace-in-the-hole celebrity reporter, Crispin Reynolds, reacts to Bradly Cooper as People cover boy.

By Crispin Reynolds

Nothing says sexy like a preppy v-neck sweater and horizontally striped crew tee.  

 

There I was, idly sunning on the sands of Miami with my dear partner and fellow gossip fiend, Jairem, when the latest issue of People magazine arrived at newsstands in the distance. Not just any volume of the tabloid periodical, mind you, but its annual homage to passing movie-star fancy, the "Sexiest Man Alive."

This year, People editors bestowed the arcane privilege upon blue-eyed 30-something Bradley Cooper. Naturally, B-Coop first came to mine and Jairem's attention while playing shirts and skins (him, not us) with Michael Ian Black in 2001's Wet Hot American Summer (sloppily steamy footage below). In the ensuing decade, he has of course risen to A-list hetero prominence by cruelly belittling Rachel McAdams in Wedding Crashers and reciting hours of Todd Phillips' alternately sexist and homophobic dialogue over the course of two Hangover adventures.

 

Some like it hot. Wet Hot.

Others on the list include---yawn---Bradd Pitt and George Clooney and, "We're totally into nerds with money who're on shows that won't be canceled by presstime" selections such as Modern Family's Ty Burrell (love him) and Family Guy honcho Seth MacFarlane (we've had better). 

Truth is, I've got no beef with objectifying male movie and TV stars for the tender loins of disposable prime rib that they are. But let's get a grip: People's "Sexiest Man" unveiling is a staler and more antiquated tradition than watching the Miss America pageant over a warm slice of cheesecake while crocheting next winter's mittens. Not that that happens in our house.

 

IN OTHER WORDS: My vote's for Jairem.

BRADLEY COOPER AS SEXIEST MAN RATING: 5/10

PEOPLE'S "SEXIEST MAN" AND SI's SWIMSUIT ISSUES INDICATING WE'VE STILL GOT ONE FOOT IN PLEASANTVILLE RATING: 9/10

REUNITING WITH MY OLD LONG ISLAND PRESS PALS ROBBIE AND KENNY RATING: Infinity/10

THIS DELICIOUS BOODY MARY I'VE BEEN DOWNING AS I WRITE RATING: 10/10

 

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