Entries in Celebrity Wedding (3)

Wednesday
Jan042012

Who Cares About Mitt and Iowa? Justin and Jessica are (Reportedly) Engaged!

REVIEWING THE "DAAAAAMN, THAT'S GONNA BE ONE GOOD-LOOING BABY!" ENGAGEMENT NEWS: Justin Timberlake reportedly popped the question to long-time lover Jessica Biel, and this is one impending celeb nuptial that has us in seventh heaven.

By Crispin Reynolds

Somebody call hot police, cause these two are four-alarm hotties!

 

While all of America spent yesterday evening worrying about some Hanukkah grinch named Mitt and his silly caucus, US Weekly was preparing a bombshell story that put everything into focus. The tabloid alleges that Justin Timberlake popped the question of questions to his stunning piece of brunette babe-candy, Jessica Biel, way back in December whilst the pair was on holiday. 

Oh, deary me, oh my. Sad as myself and Jairem are that J-Timb is off the meat market, we're kvelling and are downright over the cherry moon for this sexy twosome of Manna from heaven. The only thing that could possibly sour our elation is if the news turns out to be false, and Us' "insider" sources get revealed as impostors. But until that moment arrives, we shall merely blush humbly in the wake of such marvelous undertakings.

 

IN OTHER WORDS: I haven't the faintest idea why I've suddenly channeled the spirit of a genteel southern dame.

JUSTIN AND JESSICA ENGAGEMENT RATING: Three Cheers!/10

THE POSSIBILITY OF IT BEING JUST A DASTARDLY RUMOR RATING: Heavens, No!/10

CAN JAIREM AND I ATTEND IF WE SAY WE'RE FROM THE MILITARY AND RECORD A YOUTUBE VIDEO ASKING TO BE INVITED? RATING: Oh, You're Too Kind/10

 

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Tuesday
Nov012011

Zooey Deschanel Separates from Husband Ben Gibbard, Leaves Him Needing 'New Girl'

 

CELEBRITY-DIVORCE NEWS: Actress/singer/adorable lady Zooey Deschanel and hubby/swooning emo-pop prince Ben Gibbard go their separate ways, and a small percentage of the nation collectively says, "Awwww."

 

By Kenny Herzog

 

One doesn't need four eyes to see that newly single Zooey Deschanel is a catch. (Credit: FOX)

 

REVIEWniverse are fans of FOX's hit New Girl (which returns after a long, World Series-induced hiatus tonight), even if star Zooey Deschanel can seem a bit too preciously omnipotent between the Cotton ads, hip rom-coms and side career as an indie-folk chanteusse in She & Him. So it gives us no prevailing joy to report that her reps have confirmed via the estimable Us Weekly that she and her husband of two years, Ben Gibbard, have separated.

 

The man formerly known as Mr. Deschanel, who moonlights as frontman for whiny, drippy mainstream indie ambassadors Death Cab for Cutie (ed. note: That description did not arrive via press release), will likely find no reason to celebrate the news either. And then, he will write a song about it, and his album will top the Billboard charts. Zooey, meanwhile, will resume her status as fantasy avatar for lonely nerds U.S.-wide, and probably gain a few more curious, hopeful viewers for New Girl along the way.

 

What have we learned? That, contrary to what NBA exile Kris Humphries and public pariah Kim Kardashian would have you believe, when it comes to impendiong high-profile divorce, everyone can win.

 

IN OTHER WORDS: Meh.

 

ANOTHER CELEBRITY COUPLE BITES THE DUST: And Whoulda Thunk Colliding Hectic Careers and Public Expectation Could Skew the Odds?/10

 

APPARENTLY, WHETHER YOU'RE SEEDY AND SUPERFICIAL OR CUTESY AND ARTISTIC, HOLLYWOOD ROMANCE IS A FOOL'S ERRAND: 2/10

 

LOOKS LIKE IT'S DIVORCE COURT FOR CUTIES RATING: Had to Say It/10

 

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Tuesday
Nov012011

Kim Kardashian/Kris Humphries Divorce Was Really an NBA Love Lockout

REVIEWING THE ALREADY ANCIENT, SUPER-IMPORTANT, NOT-REALLY-NEWS NEWS: Has it ever occurred to folks that currently unemployed NBA forward Kris Humphries was thinking about his own security as the basketball season hangs in balance?

By Kenny Herzog

This People cover was, fittingly, issued just prior to Memorial Day 2011.

  

My esteemed colleague, Robbie Woliver, got on top of Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries' divorce quicker than Kim saddling up with Ray J for a night of crudely marketed passion. And in doing so, summed up just about all there is to be said regarding this despicable bit of pop-culture theater. Which is why, naturally, I have more to add. 

I heard the news while on vacation in, where else, Los Angeles. It parted the smoggy Hollywood skies like Moses' staff, dominating gossip everywhere my wife and I traveled from there on out. And yes, it's all desperate, disgusting, exploitive, reprehensible and plain unscrupulous. Yes, Kim and her family, as well as E!, People mag and other corroborative media, should be ashamed and, as Robbie correctly observed, Occupied. 

But lost in all this is Mr. Humphries' accountability. Last time I checked (which was, as of presstime, the moment of my writing this sentence), Humphries and his agent were among the hundreds of NBA employees and affiliates who've been aware since this time last year that a pro-basketball lockout was inevitable, and with it, the likely cancelation of the 2011-'12 season. (So far, at least a month of games have been nixed.)

Is it that hard to see where K-Humph and co. might determine that spinning a yarn in which he and Kim follow in Khloe Kardashian's footsteps (little sis is wed to Lakers star Lamar Odom) provides alternative income, and spares him from playing ball in Turkey for six months? It's a totally plausible angle from the perspective of Kim's public, and ensures Kris a ton of dough, free trip to Italy, enormous exposure and possible subsequent tell-all and endorsement deals. (Something tells me the Levi Johnston-backing Wonderful Pistachios will come-a-calling.)

The whole situation is gross, and we should all probably stop discussing it, or at least with any degree of gravity. Just pointing out that it takes two to tango, especially when one of that pair hasn't gotten an invitation to play ball.

 

IN OTHER WORDS: Wouldn't this have been juicier on April Fool's Day?

THIS WHOLE MESS RATING: 0/10

KRIS SHOULDN'T GET A FREE PASS RATING: 9/10

VICE MAGAZINE AND OTHERS POINTING OUT WHERE ALL THE WEDDING-DERIVED RICHES COULD HAVE BEEN CONSTRUCTIVELY RE-ALLOCATED RATING: Right On/10

BEING UNSURE OF WHETHER SAYING "RIGHT ON" MAKES ME SOUND RIDICULOUS RATING: 10/10

 

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