Wednesday
Jan042012

Who Cares About Mitt and Iowa? Justin and Jessica are (Reportedly) Engaged!

REVIEWING THE "DAAAAAMN, THAT'S GONNA BE ONE GOOD-LOOING BABY!" ENGAGEMENT NEWS: Justin Timberlake reportedly popped the question to long-time lover Jessica Biel, and this is one impending celeb nuptial that has us in seventh heaven.

By Crispin Reynolds

Somebody call hot police, cause these two are four-alarm hotties!

 

While all of America spent yesterday evening worrying about some Hanukkah grinch named Mitt and his silly caucus, US Weekly was preparing a bombshell story that put everything into focus. The tabloid alleges that Justin Timberlake popped the question of questions to his stunning piece of brunette babe-candy, Jessica Biel, way back in December whilst the pair was on holiday. 

Oh, deary me, oh my. Sad as myself and Jairem are that J-Timb is off the meat market, we're kvelling and are downright over the cherry moon for this sexy twosome of Manna from heaven. The only thing that could possibly sour our elation is if the news turns out to be false, and Us' "insider" sources get revealed as impostors. But until that moment arrives, we shall merely blush humbly in the wake of such marvelous undertakings.

 

IN OTHER WORDS: I haven't the faintest idea why I've suddenly channeled the spirit of a genteel southern dame.

JUSTIN AND JESSICA ENGAGEMENT RATING: Three Cheers!/10

THE POSSIBILITY OF IT BEING JUST A DASTARDLY RUMOR RATING: Heavens, No!/10

CAN JAIREM AND I ATTEND IF WE SAY WE'RE FROM THE MILITARY AND RECORD A YOUTUBE VIDEO ASKING TO BE INVITED? RATING: Oh, You're Too Kind/10

 

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Monday
Jan022012

Here's Why Katy Perry and Russell Brand Split Up

REVIEWING THE NEW YEAR'S FIRST NO-BRAINER CELEBRITY DIVORCE NEWS: We've got the real reason behind the pop singer and comedic actor's rapid separation.

By Kenny Herzog

Katy Perry: We think she'll bounce back. Get it? Cause she has huge boobs. 

 

Katy Perry and Russell Brand have shocked and awed the world with the announcement of their divorce, which is in process as we speak. And on an especially slow post-New Year's news day, it's been all the global media can talk about. Hell, the Today show even dedicated a bizarrely somber and extensive package to the stars and their failed marriage, lamenting its spiral from "fairy tale" to "Hollywood casualty." Yes, it is truly the Black Dahlia of inter-medium celebrity splits. 

But only REVIEWniverse has the true scoop. Rumor has it that Perry and Brand met-cute, found each other nice and attractive enough, and figured marriage would commonly ground their mutually demanding careers and act as a postitive bonding agent between she, the fallen evangelical Christian, and him, the constantly reforming bad boy. But eventually, the pair's differences became irreconcilable, and even their practical and earnest commitment wasn't enough to overcome their lack of lasting chemistry or time and willingness to make marriage itself their most important responsibility, allowing everything else to fall into place.

Scandal!

 

IN OTHER WORDS: Who cares? (Us!)

KATY AND RUSSELL DIVORCE-PREDICTABILITY RATING: 15 Months/10

AT LEAST IT LASTED LONGER THAN 15 DAYS RATING: Sinead O'Connor/10

MARRIAGE CAN BE BORING. PEOPLE DON'T BECOME FAMOUS TO BE BORING RATING: It Ain't Always About "Me" Babe/10

 


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Thursday
Dec222011

Adam Lambert and BF Get in Drunken Lovers' Spat, Get Arrested, Get Burgers

REVIEWING THE NEWS: Oy vey. Adam Lambert and Finnish Big Brother alum/bf Sauli Koskinen get wasted and cause a scene, and their hangover humiliation becomes global news? Yawn.

By Crispin Reynolds

See, Adam only fits the definition of one kind of swinger. (Credit: Djansezian/Getty)


Honeys, let me tell you all something: I've had my share of blackouts, and lord knows Jairem and I have lived through more than a lifetime's worth of Vodka-fueled spats. The only difference is niether of us are as Absolut a hottie as Adam Lambert's teeny little beau, Finnish Big Brother star Sauli Koskinen. (I wouldn't mind having him get under my Koskinen.) 

Also, we've never been to Helsinki, Finland, or to its fabulous DTM ("Don't Tell Mama") club, which is precisely where Lambskin got into their already notorious little tiff last night. Rumors have been flying all morning about their alleged scrape, but The Hollywood Reporter got the dish straight from Adam and Sauli's holding cell. In brief, the couple were intoxicated, arguing inside DTM, and then outside the club. Their friend, former Miss Helsinki (naturally) Sofia Ruusila (welcome to your 15 minutes, honey!), says she got in the middle and was accidentally thwacked by Lambert. 

Ruusila is fine, the gentlemen have been released, and Lambert has already Tweeted the following morning-after prose: "Jetlag+Vodka=blackout. Us÷blackout=irrational confusion. jail+guilt+press=lesson learned.Sauli+Adam+hangover burgers= laughing bout it. :)"

I'm not pretending that everyone's favorite should-have-been American Idol champ isn't capable of bad-boy celebrity antics, nor would there be anything to laugh about had he intentionally laid five fingers on Miss Helsinki (an act for which she could most certainly sue for five figures). But we can all assume Ruusila's account is the truth, because Lambert is a glamazon, not a gorilla. And, darlings, I know that "Better Than I Know Myself."

 

IN OTHER WORDS: See what I did there?

IF I HAD TO RELEASE A TWEET ABOUT BURGERS EVERY TIME I GOT DRUNK, INSULTED JAIREM AND WOKE UP IN A FINNISH INTERROGATION ROOM RATING: Millonaire!/10

HEY, WHATAYA WANT FROM ME? HE HAD ME AT "JETLAG+VODKA" RATING: 80 Proof/10

 

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Tuesday
Dec202011

Mitt Romney Wishes Jews a Misspelled Happy "Hannukah"

 

REVIEWING THE NEWS: The former Massachusetts governor and current Republican presidential hopeful shows how important it is to "believe in America" by Tweeting a questionably spelled holiday wish to his country's Jewish population.

"So ya see, on the 13th night of Narniakah, the Jews ran out of lighter fluid...."


You down with GOP? Yeah, you know me. NOT! Sorry, couldn't help ourselves. The real reason we interrupt your regularly scheduled Tuesday-evening rituals isn't to reappopriate Naughty by Nature hooks as conservative political anthems, but to wag our finger at Republican presidential aspirant Mitt Romney. 

Roughly two hours ago today, the one-time Massachusetts governor and handsome devil of a Mormon had someone in his campaign Tweet out a little recognition to his Jewish peeps. As you can see from said globally broadcast message, it appears either Romney and/or his social-media handlers are either too lazy to spend 30 seconds fact-checking, don't care enough about a constituency who's way out of their pocket anyway, or have discovered ancient scrolls documenting a previously unknown additional day of celebration in the Hebrew calendar known as "Hannukah." As in, per Romney's Tweet, "Tonight, as Hannukah begins, Ann and I extend our best wishes to all our Jewish friends celebrating the Festival of Lights."  

In fairness, Mitt isn't the first person who's tripped over the double-"n" (although even the KKK manage to get it right). But even the slightest investigation would have suggested preferred and virtually accurate transliterations (Hanukkah and Chanukah are generally accepted, and even Chanukkah among some Rabbinical purists), and someone running for our highest office should be held accountable to that modest standard of diligence and respect.

 

IN OTHER WORDS: Merry Krismas, Mitt.

IT'S BAD ENOUGH WE CAN HARDLY FIND A MENORAH WITHOUT SCHLEPPING TO BED BATH & BEYOND THESE DAYS RATING: 8 Days/10

JEWS HAVE BEEN AROUND A BIT, MITT. GET IT RIGHT RATING: 10/10

WHAT SHOULD WE EXPECT FROM A GUY DESCENDED FROM THE OLD COUNTRY OF DESERERETERETERET RATING?: 1849/10

 

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Tuesday
Dec202011

HBO Cancels Three Fun Comedies, Keeps Awful, Unbearable 'Enlightened'; Ugh

 

REVIEWING THE NEWS: Bored to Death, Hung and How to Make It in America get the axe, while the pretentious, inane, low-rated Enlightened gets a second season. HBO, thou hast betrayed us.

By Kenny Herzog

Ugh, another season of dealing with TV's least likeable lead character. (Credit: Prashant Gupta/HBO)

It was inevitable that Bored to Death would be canceled. It was more shocking that HBO gave the always refreshing noir-buddy-comedy three full seasons. I'd made my peace with it, and the recent finale felt adequate for both its fall- and series-runs. Hung and How to Make It in America were harder to see coming. (Full disclosure: I'd reviewed How to Make It this past season for another outlet.) Enterting their potential fourth and third seasons, respectively, both had made tremendous creative strides and found their voice. The dips in ratings were all but a sure thing (both shows are low-key and have a steady but modest audience), so it's unclear why the network even allowed them to carry on through 2011 if the chopping block were looming. 

Meanwhile, Enlightened, which I'd shared my disappointment with several weeks ago, and which failed to impress me as it went along or surpass any of the aforementioned three comedies in the Nielsens, has been granted another shot in 2012. Not that I expect the world's foremost premium-cable provider to accomodate my subjective viewing habits, but this decision reeks less of commercial imperative than a decision to move back toward "prestige" programming.

Bored to Death is perhaps exceptional in all this. One of its stars (Ted Danson) has moved on to a full-time gig with CSI, another (Zach Galifianakis) is now a bankable film lead and, objectively, the original premise and characters' chemistry could only be stretched so thin without feeling dull. Hung and How to Make It, on the other hand, were just fomenting, but were also the source of presumptuous ridicule from network subscribers and critics who seemed intent on abolishing the airwaves of two shows that, god forbid, aimed to entertain the mainstream with something light and timely. Both series, at their essence, were comedies about friendship, trust and making the best out of bad times. Not, as naysayers would protest, just big dicks and fashion.

The first 10 half-hours of Enlightened, Laura Dern and Mike White's overly earnest meditation on the everyday fuck-up's pursuit of Zen happiness, were more explicit about their search for some kind of mushy, inspiring meaning to the big whatever. The price of admission? Shadowing Dern's deeply unpleasant, shallow, emotionally retarded airhead Amy as she vapidly crusaded and tritely voice-overed her way from stepped-on corporate drone to New Age savior of the environment, her strung out ex-husband (Luke Wilson) and her own intellectual and spiritual bankruptcy. 

Sound fun? Not really. But with Showtime and AMC nipping at HBO's heels for an air of legitimacy in original programming, and a new wave of Home Box Office's own dramas (Luck et al) around the corner, Enlightened suits a certain elite image more aptly than dicks and fashion. Even if most of us would rather watch 30 minutes of the latter than endure one more second of Amy and Enlightened's precious, humorless existential masterbation. 

 

IN OTHER WORDS: It's most definitely not TV, HBO.

BYE BYE TO BORED TO DEATH, HUNG AND HOW TO MAKE IT IN AMERICA: 2/10

ENLIGHTENED'S RETURN MEANING ONE LESS SHOW WE NEED TO DVR: Bright Side/10

WHEN'S TRUE BLOOD BACK AGAIN? Critic-Proof/10

 

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