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Johnny Depp Blah Blah Vanessa Paradis Blah Blah Split Up Blah

REVIEWING THE NEWS: Multi-gazillionaire actor extraordinaire Depp and mildly interesting model/actress/singer/whatever reportedly no makey the love-y anymore. Blah. Wah.


By Crispin Reynolds

Blah blah blah blah, blah, blah blah blah. 


Sorry, REVIEWniverse readers, if it took me eons to post about the day's most scandalous celebrity-breakup news. I spent all morning drying my hair and wiping away crocodile tears after hearing that Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis have, according to People mag (and, also, just other people), been living separately and out of love for some time.

Boo-hoo, blah blah. Don't get me wrong, gals and cads, it's sad when any couple with two children can't reconcile their differences (ParaDepp have two tween- and elementary-aged little ones, Lily-Rose and Jack, though it's never been confirmed if their naming was some kind of coded inspiration for Daniel Day-Lewis' 2005 drama, The Ballad of Jack and Rose... you know these actor types). I'm sure they'll sort all that out with more aplomb than your average not-loaded, irreconciled parents. Otherwise, a big blah blah and who cares, outside of the fact that Hollywood's sauciest middle-age bad-boy is back on the market. I know a certain 40-something gossip columnist (me) who wouldn't mind searching for that Pirate's booty.


IN OTHER WORDS: Insert seductive, Eartha Kitt meow noise. Also, blah.




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