Wednesday
Apr152015

6 Reasons Why Taco Bell Delivery is the Most Important News You’ve Ever Heard

 

Heaven is now home delivered, baby

BY DOUG MICHELS (REVIEWniverse guest contributor)

Waking up with a hangover, fumbling for your keys. Only two things are on your mind, “How did I get that taco last night? I was too drunk to drive?” and “I’m so late for work.” In your foggy state you stumble out the door. Walking toward your car you notice the bumper is hanging on by barely a thread. You come to the realization that you put not only yourself, but everyone else on the road, in danger last night. The image of your loved ones shaking their heads is held back only by the crushing disappointment that you will not be getting paid today, you will be paying a body shop.

Thankfully, this will all soon be a thing of the past. Taco Bell has recently announced plans to test a delivery system in 2015. You read that correctly, so forget about things like presidential candidate announcements or some fruit company’s watch. Sit down, and allow me to educate you on why this is bigger than anything you’ve ever bothered to take note of.

1. Public Safety

The numbers will never be in, but rest assured, lives will be saved. No longer will you and the bros risk a lost license, or other people’s lives to get your cheesy Gordita fix. In some ways Taco Bell is preventing you from getting a criminal record.

2.  Job Creation

Contrary to what politicians would have you believe, people are still out of work. Imagine the fleet required to service all of these Taco Bell orders. Going solely based on the amount of cars lined up at the drive-thru every night, I can only assume that it will cut unemployment by approximately 95%. Imagine a world, where you could be the one to bring the joy of tacos to people everywhere. People drunkenly staggering to the door, blindly handing you a chunk of money before digging into the mixed bag of cheesy goodness. Almost brings a tear to my eye.

3.  No Mas Pantalones

If you’re anything like me, the lower half of your body is only clothed when required by law. Putting on pants to drive to get Taco Bell, only to return home and remove them again is just so bothersome. With Taco Bell delivering to my door, I no longer have to worry about traumatizing multiple people on any given day.

4.  A Life Without Shame

How many times have you ordered $20 in Taco Bell just for you, only to have to add on another drink to make it seem like it's a shared meal? With Taco Bell delivery nobody knows how many people you are ordering for. Now you can create a secretive relationship with your local Taco Bell delivery driver. For an extra five dollars you can look him in his very soul, and whisper, “Tell no one.”

5.  Raising The Bar

With the Bell offering delivery, it is only natural that other fast food chains will have to follow suit. Imagine, you never have to cook again. You can spend that valuable time weeping at the various characters and logos imprinted on the paper bags that have consumed your once beautiful home.

6.  Live Mas

What Taco Bell is really doing is letting us all live a little bit mas. No longer will you sit in a drive-thru, waiting behind the dozens of other patrons, all craving the [hard/soft shell] filled with [chicken/beef/steak] and a healthy helping of [cheese/beans/rice]. You can now spend your time the way it was meant to be spent, impatiently waiting in your living room.

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Saturday
Feb282015

Kid Rock vs. Beyoncé: Uhm, So Let's Name Kid Rock's Hits

 

This "Single Ladies" image, alone, is more iconic than anything Kid Rock has ever created. (Credit: Columbia Records)

BY ROB DONOVAN (REVIEWniverse Guest Contributor)

This past week, the great rock icon Kid Rock (anyone under 50, please feel free to Wiki him) decided to trash Beyoncé, who from last count has added much more to the pop culture canon than Mr. Ritchie (you'll find that in Wiki, kids) has. It's a fact, even if you aren't an R&B fan.

Kid Rock (cool, hip name, huh?) told Rolling Stone that he was "flabbergasted"' by Beyoncé's fame, adding, "Beyoncé to me, doesn't have a f**king 'Purple Rain,' but she's the biggest thing on Earth. How can you be that big without at least one 'Sweet Home Alabama' or 'Old Time Rock & Roll'?"

Here's where his idiocy gets better. He said, "People are like, 'Beyoncé's hot. Got a nice fucking ass.' I'm like, 'Cool, I like skinny white chicks with big tits.' Doesn't really fucking do much for me."

So let's play "Kid Rock Song, Backstreet Boy Song, Tired Cliche, Porn Movie Title, or President of Nigeria?:

 

  • "Angel Guts"
  • "I'm Kid Rock"
  • "Picture"
  • "American Tushy"
  • "All Summer Long"
  • "Bawitdaba"
  • "Larger Than Life"
  • "We Got It Goin' On"
  • "Cocky"
  • "In a World Like This"
  • "Only God Knows Why"
  • "Goodluck Jonathan"
  • "Born Free"

(Answers are listed below) 

Point is, how many of Kid Rock's enduring hits did you know?  Now, how about: "Crazy in Love," "Drunk In Love," "Single Ladies," "Halo," "Run the World," "Listen," "If I Were a Boy," "Irreplaceable..." We all know those, don't we?

So, Kid Rock, shut up and stick to making that timeless music you do so well.

 

ANSWERS: PMT, TC, KRS, PMT, KRS, KRS, BBS, BBS, KRS, BBS, KRS, PON, KRS

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Wednesday
Feb012012

R.I.P. Don Cornelius, and Remember the 'Soul Train'

 

REVIEWING THE NEWS: A complicated legend, Soul Train creator and black-music pioneer Don Cornelius, passes away.

By Kenny Herzog

Don Cornelius: 1936-2012

 

Much like the recently deceased King of Pop, Michael Jackson, and late Godfather of Soul, James Brown, Soul Train conductor Don Cornelius' final years were marred by legal entanglements and poor health. But just as when word spread of M.J. and J.B.'s passing, news that Cornelius, 75, was found dead this morning of an apparent suicide still took your breath away.

We have a tendency to define people by their lowest point, particularly when we initially put them on a pedestal. But we mostly admire and ultimately mourn figures like Cornelius because of how something they created at a different time in their lives put us in a special place inside our imagination. And in the case of Soul Train, it was the hippest, coolest place to be on a Saturday morning, but also (and by design), a demonstration of peaceful activism, enormous catalyst for cultural integration, an heir to Motown as a platform for black artists and blueprint for future groundbreaking musical television like Yo! MTV Raps. In short, Soul Train was the shit.

 

IN OTHER WORDS: Despite Don Cornelius' troubled end, he was still there at the beginning.

THE SOUL TRAIN MAKING NO STOPS RATING: It's Gonna Be a Stone-Gas, Honey/10

 

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Thursday
Jan262012

Pat Sajak and Vanna White's Wasted 'Wheel of Fortune' (Video)

REVIEWING THE SAUCY NEWS OF TWO THOROUGHLY SAUCED GAME-SHOW CO-HOSTS: Pat Sajak says he and Vanna White were the ones doing spins in the early days of Wheel of Fortune. Cause they were wasted!

By Crispin Reynolds

"I'm with stupor." 

And here we all thought you had to be a charming man working at an adverising agency in 1963 in order to knock back some cocktails during the day shift. As it turns out, the early 1980s were swingin' like a single malt of devil-may-care. Or at least if you were on the lot of Wheel of Fortune when Pat Sajak and Vanna White first commanded their decades-long stint as host and letter-turner. 

The seemingly toupeed Sajak sat down with troublesomely goateed ESPN chat host Dan Le Batard yesterday afternoon for, mostly, no apparent reason. Although the WOF icon did get around to addressing whether he ever took to the airwaves much less than sober. Well, wouldn't ya know it: That dastardly Pat and volutpuous Vanna would, according to Sajak, head across the way to a Mexican restaurant mid-taping, mull life's deeper meanings over three or four margaritas, and then finish an episode despite having "trouble recognizing the alphabet." 


 

 

Naturally, Jairem and I were appalled when we viewed the above clip. Not because the intoxicating game-show duo was inebriated all those years, but because they slummed it with margaritas when everyone knows that at lunchtime, it's Cosmos one craves. Even if they do tend to leave one bankrupt.

 

IN OTHER WORDS: I'll solve the puzzle please: How Many Drinks Did It Take for Pat to Make Inappropriate Sexual Insinuations Toward Vanna?

 

PAT AND VANNA'S LIQUID LUNCHES RATING: Lol/10

PAT SAJAK BEING IN THE NEWS RATING: Lose a Turn/10

 

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Thursday
Jan192012

Whitney Cummings is Right

REVIEWING THE NEWS: We may not love her sitcom, but we do applaud Whitney's provocative and insightful blog post in defense of SNL casualty Lana Del Rey.

 

By Kenny Herzog

We assume this was Whitney's reaction to reading Del Rey criticism. (Credit: Chris Haston/NBC)

 

When we posted our op-ed regarding Gawker founder Dick Denton and Editor-in-Chief A.J. Daulerio's mishandling (read: reprehensible fumbling) of the Brian Williams/Lana Del Rey private e-mail fiasco, we failed to acknowledge one important repercussion: Their actions not only alienated Williams' confidence and belied any basic journalistic ethos, but also further defamed Del Rey, who'd been plenty humiliated already by bloggers whose explicit goal was to publicly shame her.

It's a mean, mean world we live in, and sometimes it can be overwhelming. Whitney Cummings, an often-scorned female entertainer in her own right, can relate to being smothered with ill will. Early this morning, the comedian/actress published an open letter in Del Rey's defense. It's a surprisingly candid, sensitive and absolutely spot-on plea for consumers and critics of pop culture to—in paraphrased Real World-ian parlance—stop being hurtful and start getting real.

Cummings admits she's neither objective nor qualified enough to comment on the veracity of peoples' horror at Del Rey's actual SNL performance. By the same token, we're far from pre-inclined toward solidarity with Whitney, and have been among the voices expressing dismay at her eponymous sitcom and 2 Broke Girls. But what her letter tries to emphasize—and it's a point of view we fully support—is that Del Rey's supposed "Video Games" debacle (which wasn't actually that bad) seems to have opened up a permissive space for simmering discrimination against and regressive attitudes about women in pop culture. 

Maybe it was late at night, and Cummings had just polished off a bottle of wine and was feeling sentimental enough to convey how she's "protective of girls, especially young performers, because they live a hard, emotionally challenging, often physically challenging life" and avow that, "Other peoples success doesn’t fuck up our lives and other people [sic] failures should not brighten them." Perhaps all the Del Rey venom hit close to home, but with enough distance for her to comment on it comfortably. Whatever the impetus, and without dismissing Whitney's opinion on the basis of disregard for her television alter-ego, her ballsy testimony is the kind of outspokenness that deserves encouragement and support. 

 

IN OTHER WORDS: You go, girls.

WHITNEY RATING: 2/10

WHITNEY RATING: 10/10

INEVITABLE, INSECURE BACKLASH TO WHITNEY'S REMARKS: Mean People Suck/10

 

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